Drop your kids on their heads; make ’em dumb; save thousands!

With the rising costs of higher education, parents nowadays seem to have a genuine concern regarding their ability to get their kids through college. Well, fret not, trusted reader, for I come to you with a solution (which should be evident from this post’s title, but in case you are marginally retarded, I shall now state it as though it were a big revelation): drop your kids on their head when they’re babies!

If you are lucky, brain damage will ensue and your kid will not be smart enough to even get into college (if you do it right, not even DeVry, regardless of how serious they are about success). However, a tender balance must be struck, for you do not want your kid to be so brain-damaged you have to feed him or put him in special education (thus completely missing the whole point).

It’s all about surfaces; if you drop them on cement, that’s probaby too much brain damage; on a bed, too little. Now, a berber carpet (as per my repeated experiments with as many children as I’ve been able to obtain from around the neighborhood) seems to yield the best results (let’s just say that not all my experimentation proved successful, and that some of my neighbors’ kids will be wearing padded helmets and riding the short yellow bus: my bad!).

The other trick is doing this during early infancy so that your kids won’t remember it when they grow up: no one wants to have their son remember in a therapy session how Daddy pushed him off a stool onto the floor! So, in summary: surface and timing are the most important things to remember.

Good luck!!!

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Disclaimer: Rafa is kidding; he has not dropped any kids on their heads in the course of a makeshift, Mengelian experiment, or at least not after his court injunction. Dropping your kids on their heads is a bad idea, which you’d know unless you yourself had been dropped as a baby, in which case you should have been chemically castrated during early childhood, or at least you should have been raised as an engineer so that no one would have sex with you and you wouldn’t reproduce.

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Farewell to Clippy!

Before diving into my current rant, let me just say that I know I’ve been a lazy-ass lately and have neglected my blog. To my surprise, two of my friends (César and Omar) had apparently checked it a few times and have egged me on to write some more, so thanks for the support, guys. 🙂

Now, on to the rant!

If you have ever used Word 97, you have met Clippy. Here, in all his glory, is Clippy:

Clippy is a creepy, anthropomorphic animated paperclip (get it? paperCLIP -> Clippy? Oh! These geniuses at Microsoft, hollowed be their name!). Clippy’s job is to annoy the fuck out of you when you type, and pop up every once in a while and make inane remarks and suggestions about what you’re typing (à la “I see you are writing a letter to your baby’s mama! Do you want me to help you find nice ways of saying: Try and prove the baby’s mine, bitch!?”).

Even more unsettling was his lecherous leer and his suggestive wink, as though he were suavely saying in a thick, Banderas-like accent: “Oh, I can fix that for you. I can fix that for you gooood.” I’m sorry, but I prefer less innuendo from my office assistants.

Anyway, an article I read states that Clippy will not be on by default starting in Office XP. There were even some animations (voiced by Gilbert Gottfreid) depicting Clippy’s post-Word life, and a poll as to what he should do next. Personally, I think Clippy should be unbent and used for lock-picking, or at the very least, used to burst pus-filled boils; I’d be happy either way!

What do you think should happen to Clippy?