Rafa\’s Corner of Nonsense, Part Deux

… where Rafa\’s thoughts see the light of day…

I’m all for PETA: People for Eating Tasty Animals

I likes me some meat. I won’t deny it, and I won’t apologize for it. I don’t necessarily feel animals should be flogged just for fun; they do have a place in my heart, but also in my belly.

Some strict vegetarians make it sound like theirs is more than a dietary choice, but rather a transcendental way of life. They won’t eat “anything with a face,” yet have no trouble eating a head of lettuce! ūüėČ

There’s also the concern of eating animals that some people consider pets (like pigs, rabbits, horses, dogs, etc.) Why should I stop enjoying a little gerbil fricas√© just because some idiotic 5-year-old seems to like to keep gerbils as pets? It’s not like I’m eating my pet, anyway (not that I’d be necessarily adverse to the notion; Fido is looking rather scrumptious lately, and that cough of his doesn’t seem to be going away…)

But I digress! I propose that the only way it somehow seems “better” to eat plants instead of animals is because we can’t hear them scream. Really! People would be less gung-ho about eating salad if we discovered that whenever you crunch on a leaf of lettuce it’s actually yelling: “FOR THE LOVE OF IVY, STOP CRUSHING MY BODY WITH YOUR TEETH!!!” [Note: “Ivy” is the God of the plants, revered because no one seems to like to eat it; it is also noteworthy that lettuce is surprisingly fluent in English].

Let’s face it: we humans are meat-eaters. And it works out like that for a reason: we’re nasty motherfuckers and Mother Nature wants us out of the planet pronto! Think about it: some plants can live for decades, nourishing themselves with the soil and crapping into the air (it’s crapping if you think about it, really); they harm no one. Then come the herbivores, who are animals that last a long time because all they do is eat plants which taste like ass, but which do not raise their cholesterol level or clog their arteries; they can last a long time since they only eat plants, which can re-grow in just a few weeks.

And then there’s us, evil, resource-depleting, nuclear-bomb-building, murdering, environment-destroying humans, devouring animals that took decades of nutritional resources to grow… obviously we can’t stay around too fucking long, or we’ll eat Mother Nature out of house and home! So, we have a penchant for fatty meats, our cholesterol rises, our arteries get clogged, and we die at 40 while having a torrid extra-marital affair with a Vietnamese hooker named Bambi Nguyen who charges $5 for suckee suckee.

So, it all works out: we humans eat meat, die soon, and don’t detonate that WMD some maniac may or may not have stored somewhere, and the planet lives to see another day.

Do your part, fellow hoo-man: EAT MEAT! ūüôā

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November 21, 2004 Posted by | Rafa PSA | 4 Comments