Rafa\’s Corner of Nonsense, Part Deux

… where Rafa\’s thoughts see the light of day…

I’m all for PETA: People for Eating Tasty Animals

I likes me some meat. I won’t deny it, and I won’t apologize for it. I don’t necessarily feel animals should be flogged just for fun; they do have a place in my heart, but also in my belly.

Some strict vegetarians make it sound like theirs is more than a dietary choice, but rather a transcendental way of life. They won’t eat “anything with a face,” yet have no trouble eating a head of lettuce! 😉

There’s also the concern of eating animals that some people consider pets (like pigs, rabbits, horses, dogs, etc.) Why should I stop enjoying a little gerbil fricasé just because some idiotic 5-year-old seems to like to keep gerbils as pets? It’s not like I’m eating my pet, anyway (not that I’d be necessarily adverse to the notion; Fido is looking rather scrumptious lately, and that cough of his doesn’t seem to be going away…)

But I digress! I propose that the only way it somehow seems “better” to eat plants instead of animals is because we can’t hear them scream. Really! People would be less gung-ho about eating salad if we discovered that whenever you crunch on a leaf of lettuce it’s actually yelling: “FOR THE LOVE OF IVY, STOP CRUSHING MY BODY WITH YOUR TEETH!!!” [Note: “Ivy” is the God of the plants, revered because no one seems to like to eat it; it is also noteworthy that lettuce is surprisingly fluent in English].

Let’s face it: we humans are meat-eaters. And it works out like that for a reason: we’re nasty motherfuckers and Mother Nature wants us out of the planet pronto! Think about it: some plants can live for decades, nourishing themselves with the soil and crapping into the air (it’s crapping if you think about it, really); they harm no one. Then come the herbivores, who are animals that last a long time because all they do is eat plants which taste like ass, but which do not raise their cholesterol level or clog their arteries; they can last a long time since they only eat plants, which can re-grow in just a few weeks.

And then there’s us, evil, resource-depleting, nuclear-bomb-building, murdering, environment-destroying humans, devouring animals that took decades of nutritional resources to grow… obviously we can’t stay around too fucking long, or we’ll eat Mother Nature out of house and home! So, we have a penchant for fatty meats, our cholesterol rises, our arteries get clogged, and we die at 40 while having a torrid extra-marital affair with a Vietnamese hooker named Bambi Nguyen who charges $5 for suckee suckee.

So, it all works out: we humans eat meat, die soon, and don’t detonate that WMD some maniac may or may not have stored somewhere, and the planet lives to see another day.

Do your part, fellow hoo-man: EAT MEAT! 🙂

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November 21, 2004 - Posted by | Rafa PSA

4 Comments »

  1. Hello! It is Lynnette, Rafa’s sister. I have no blog, but Rafa has been bothering me for awhile about reading his blog. Funny shit!
    About PETA, you should go to the new People Eating Tasty Animals page (PETA sued them under trademark law for using PETA.org,) their new page is http://mtd.com/tasty/. I though it was silly to take their address away because no one would think that they were affiliated with PETA. However, after reading the hate mail from PETA members, I am thinking there was likelihood of confusion (must have something to do with the fact that not eating anything with a face means not eating anything with a brain).
    I especially enjoyed this hate mail from a 6th grader :

    “I hope you and your little fan club starve to the point where you slaughter and eat each other. I hope you get so cold, you skin all your friends and wear their covering. I hope you are tied and beaten until you
    are paralyzed, then sent to a labratory (sic) and tested on until you die. I would laugh and clap my hands if you were all locked in cages and treated
    as machines. I’ve never seen a sicker, more revolting web page than yours– a desperate display to support your narrow-minded ways. That page is the mark of an insecure, mentally ill man.”

    (female name withheld)
    6th grade vegetarian

    Lovely! Classy! This girl makes Shirley Temple sound like a cheap French whore (yes, the obsession with prostitutes runs in the family). I am generally opposed to the mistreatment of animals and to killing animals for fur. But, for some reason this type of hate mail makes me hungry for a BigMac.

    Comment by Anonymous | November 28, 2004 | Reply

  2. Wow, what a family. Meat eaters and whore lovers. And Rafa says that Puerto Ricans aren’t Americans.

    -Jon

    Comment by Anonymous | December 1, 2004 | Reply

  3. By the way… Why is the piece of lettuce British?
    -Lynnette

    Comment by Anonymous | December 2, 2004 | Reply

  4. Funny thing, I was checking my SiteMeter and someone popped into my blog from this URL. “Gonna check it out”, I thought. And it’s an american blog.
    Still can’t figure out why someone after reading this blog would read mine, all in portuguese.

    Comment by Luciana S | December 2, 2004 | Reply


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