Rafa\’s Corner of Nonsense, Part Deux

… where Rafa\’s thoughts see the light of day…

If the military ever sells this shit, I’m buying it!

In keeping with the gay theme of my previous post, I wanted to comment on the following unintentionally hilarious report by CNN mentioning that the US military has rejected a project to develop an aphrodisiac to “spur homosexual activity among enemy troops” (and sadly enough, I didn’t even need to make that up). I would call this weapon “the Gay Bomb,” partly because I find it very à propos and also because I don’t usually get to just coin terms and darn it, it’s my blog, so I’m gonna do it! 🙂

The report goes on to state that Lt. Col. Barry Venable of the Army, a Defense Department spokesman, said: “This suggestion arose essentially from a brainstorming session, and it was rejected out of hand.” Hey, not so fast, Mr. Spokesman! Wait just a tick! Can you imagine the great marketing potential this has?!

I can envision the development of something called “G4Y SPR4Y” (hey, it rhymes, so it must be good!), which can be packaged in small aerosol cans like mace. I can imagine the following exchange:

Gay Guy: [to handsome Straight Guy] Hey, sailor!
Straight Guy: Err… I’m not gay, dude!
Gay Guy: Well, you will be for the next three hours! [sprays Straight Guy in the face] Now, here’s your Spongebob Squarepants t-shirt and a pillow to bite on: let’s go!

I’m sorry, but if they ever sell this, I’m buying it! 😉

January 22, 2005 Posted by | Rafa PSA | 2 Comments

Spongebob made me gay (retroactively)!

There seems to be very few things in this world in which religious nuts (or “Christian Activists,” as they call themselves presumably because “Retarded Fucking Morons” was taken) do not see the looming threat of the “gay agenda.” Really: it seems gays have nothing better to do than try to turn people’s kids gay by luring them with anthropomorphic characters that have no apparent gender and engage in nothing that even remotely ressembles a sexual relationship, homosexual or otherwise!

Proof of Christian activists’ obsession is the following CNN article where one of them denounced a cartoon featuring Spongebob Squarepants, Barney, Winnie the Pooh, the Rugrats, and other children’s characters, which was conceived to impart the concept of understanding people’s differences, as a thinly-veiled attempt to promote “celebrating homosexuality.”

I don’t know, but unless Winnie the Pooh was frenching Eeyore behind a tree or Spongebob was giving a dirty Sánchez to Barney, I find it hard to believe anyone would see any gay subtext in a children’s video! Unless, of course, they were raging closet fags.

Why is it that these “Christian groups” have to proclaim their Christianity in their names? Maybe it’s because if they didn’t, judging them solely on their actions and attitudes no one would know they’re Christian! If their behavior is to be taken as becoming of their faith, it seems the answer to the age-old question “What would Jesus do?” is “Act like an intolerant, hateful prick.” Who knew? They must have read their own Bible, titled “Jesus Loves Everyone (Except The Gays),” or perhaps “If You Are A Religous Nut, Feel Free To Judge Others.”

My favorite part is that Jerry Falwell not only “outed” the purple Teletubbie, Tinky Winky, but went further and declared him “a gay role model.” Really? Is the gay ideal to be purple, have weird antennae, carry around a purse, and have no penis? Sorry, but that hardly seems like any fun!

January 20, 2005 Posted by | Rant | 6 Comments

Yes, Céline, a baby burst forth from your poonany: get over it!

I’d like to know why is it that every artist that has a baby suddenly feels that something mystical and magical has occurred, and feel compelled to talk about it obsessively. The “miracle of life” happens countless times a day, every day: I don’t know about you, but I prefer my miracles to occur more sparingly, like someone walking on water, seeing the image of the Virgin on a grilled cheese sandwich, or the Red Sox winning the World Series.

One of the latest such artists (or artistes, as it has previously been explained by my friend César in this post) is the English-as-a-second-language Céline Dion. It seems Céline was impregnated by a man’s seed, and 9 months later, c’est un miracle!, a baby came out of her vagina. She has now written a CD about it (festooning it with a creepy collage of baby pictures), and recently even published a book (demurely titled “Miracle: A Celebration of New Life”) full of pictures of her and the baby in several gag-inducing poses. This, for your enjoyment, is the book’s cover:

Really, Céline: if we all sign an affidavit stating that your baby is the most precious baby in the world, and that its conception and birth were the most miraculous occurrences in the modern world, will you stop writing songs about your baby and force-feeding us pictures of him? If so, I know a lawyer and I’m sure he’d gladly draw up all the necessary papers!

January 5, 2005 Posted by | Rant | 5 Comments

When did this turn into a nation of pussies? (Part II)

In my last rant, I said:

I’m sorry, but I couldn’t sit in silence any longer: when did the United States turn into a nation of crybabies and pussies? I am talking, in case you’ve been living under a rock for the last few years, about the recent fanatical political correctness craze that seems to be plaguing our country.

I used to think that in a democracy, where people have freedom of expression, citizens should be able to, you know… freely express themselves. Silly me! It seems you can only express yourself if what you’re saying doesn’t offend some constituency with political or economical clout behind it.

For instance, the show Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher, where controversial topics were discussed in a frank manner, was cancelled after Bill Maher made a comment stating that he was tired of the 9/11 terrorists being called “cowardly,” since he thought it took courage to get into a plane with the purpose of crashing it into a building and killing yourself in the process, and that in fact it was more cowardly to go into a war where you could just push some buttons and bomb far away targets without getting yourself in danger (I am, of course, paraphrasing from memory, but that was the gist of it).

While I think most rational people would be able to see at least some logic in that statement, in any case the remedy is simple if you disagree with Bill Maher: change the fucking channel! It only takes one push of a button (or turn of the dial, if your TV set is ancient) to change the channel and vow to never see that show again (to which I would say: “Why in God’s name were you watching a show called Politically Incorrect if you did not want to hear politically incorrect statements, you idiot?!”).

But no, this wasn’t enough for some über-sensitive individuals: they made a stink about it, called the show’s sponsors, made a big issue out of it, until some sponsors decided to bow to the pressure and state they were no longer going to advertise themselves during the show (and thus hurt it financially); the show was eventually cancelled.

I cannot fathom how people that say they love democracy and the freedoms it provides its citizens could do something like this; it’s as though they’re saying that people can freely express themselves as long as what they’re expressing is exactly what they themselves feel. In my opinion, “freedom of expression” is only significant if it means you tolerate the existence of opinions different from your own; if everyone thought the same way, what would be the big deal? True freedom of expression is, and should be, hard for all of us; if it were easy, it wouldn’t be worthwhile.

People have a myriad of opportunities to be good Americans and demonstrate their love for democracy, but squander them by acting this way, like overly-sensitive babies crying because their feelings were hurt and trying to impose their sensibilities on the general population. Sure, the advertisers that withdrew their support of the show had every right to do so: it’s their money and they can choose to support whichever shows they like; sure, these angered viewers had every right to express their disapproval of the show to its sponsors… but why go through all that trouble, if it was just easier to change the channel, and more democratic to let opinions different from their own coexist with theirs?

Now, feel free to express your opinion on this matter… 🙂

January 5, 2005 Posted by | Rant | 4 Comments

When did this turn into a nation of pussies? (Part I)

I’m sorry, but I couldn’t sit in silence any longer: when did the United States turn into a nation of crybabies and pussies? I am talking, in case you’ve been living under a rock for the last few years, about the recent fanatical political correctness craze that seems to be plaguing our country.

Case in point: Janet Jackson’s black booby. Who, exactly, can be that offended by a booby? Boobies nourish us when we are little, and for many it’s also the source of entertainment during adulthood. True, they usually are not wearing sun-shaped metallic pasties, as Janet’s was, but still, what’s the big deal?

The truth is, in this country, sexuality and profanity are vilified while violence is seen as commonplace; we can see Rambo (I to III, take your pick!) or any gory horror film in our TV sets, or see horrible violent images during the 6 o’clock news, but perish the thought of a naked breast or even the slightest hint of a penis tarnishing the screen! For most of us, seeing someone being beheaded, shot, or otherwise killed, is not part of our daily lives, or, if we’re lucky, not part of our lives at all. However, sexuality, nudity and profanity make up a part of almost everyone’s lives; more likely than not, you either have a penis or will get to see one within your lifetime (unless you’re an uggo); you either have breasts or will get to see some within your lifetime (unless you’re an engineer).

So why is it that it’s OK to see violence and gore on TV, but not sexuality and nudity? And don’t get me wrong, guys, I’m not arguing against having violence on TV: our parents grew up watching shows and movies where cowboys slaughtered indians for less-than-noble purposes, and few of them are out there making bloodbaths in reservation casinos.

I’d like to hear your thoughts on this… make me proud. 🙂

January 5, 2005 Posted by | Rant | 2 Comments