If the military ever sells this shit, I’m buying it!

In keeping with the gay theme of my previous post, I wanted to comment on the following unintentionally hilarious report by CNN mentioning that the US military has rejected a project to develop an aphrodisiac to “spur homosexual activity among enemy troops” (and sadly enough, I didn’t even need to make that up). I would call this weapon “the Gay Bomb,” partly because I find it very à propos and also because I don’t usually get to just coin terms and darn it, it’s my blog, so I’m gonna do it! 🙂

The report goes on to state that Lt. Col. Barry Venable of the Army, a Defense Department spokesman, said: “This suggestion arose essentially from a brainstorming session, and it was rejected out of hand.” Hey, not so fast, Mr. Spokesman! Wait just a tick! Can you imagine the great marketing potential this has?!

I can envision the development of something called “G4Y SPR4Y” (hey, it rhymes, so it must be good!), which can be packaged in small aerosol cans like mace. I can imagine the following exchange:

Gay Guy: [to handsome Straight Guy] Hey, sailor!
Straight Guy: Err… I’m not gay, dude!
Gay Guy: Well, you will be for the next three hours! [sprays Straight Guy in the face] Now, here’s your Spongebob Squarepants t-shirt and a pillow to bite on: let’s go!

I’m sorry, but if they ever sell this, I’m buying it! 😉

I’m all for PETA: People for Eating Tasty Animals

I likes me some meat. I won’t deny it, and I won’t apologize for it. I don’t necessarily feel animals should be flogged just for fun; they do have a place in my heart, but also in my belly.

Some strict vegetarians make it sound like theirs is more than a dietary choice, but rather a transcendental way of life. They won’t eat “anything with a face,” yet have no trouble eating a head of lettuce! 😉

There’s also the concern of eating animals that some people consider pets (like pigs, rabbits, horses, dogs, etc.) Why should I stop enjoying a little gerbil fricasé just because some idiotic 5-year-old seems to like to keep gerbils as pets? It’s not like I’m eating my pet, anyway (not that I’d be necessarily adverse to the notion; Fido is looking rather scrumptious lately, and that cough of his doesn’t seem to be going away…)

But I digress! I propose that the only way it somehow seems “better” to eat plants instead of animals is because we can’t hear them scream. Really! People would be less gung-ho about eating salad if we discovered that whenever you crunch on a leaf of lettuce it’s actually yelling: “FOR THE LOVE OF IVY, STOP CRUSHING MY BODY WITH YOUR TEETH!!!” [Note: “Ivy” is the God of the plants, revered because no one seems to like to eat it; it is also noteworthy that lettuce is surprisingly fluent in English].

Let’s face it: we humans are meat-eaters. And it works out like that for a reason: we’re nasty motherfuckers and Mother Nature wants us out of the planet pronto! Think about it: some plants can live for decades, nourishing themselves with the soil and crapping into the air (it’s crapping if you think about it, really); they harm no one. Then come the herbivores, who are animals that last a long time because all they do is eat plants which taste like ass, but which do not raise their cholesterol level or clog their arteries; they can last a long time since they only eat plants, which can re-grow in just a few weeks.

And then there’s us, evil, resource-depleting, nuclear-bomb-building, murdering, environment-destroying humans, devouring animals that took decades of nutritional resources to grow… obviously we can’t stay around too fucking long, or we’ll eat Mother Nature out of house and home! So, we have a penchant for fatty meats, our cholesterol rises, our arteries get clogged, and we die at 40 while having a torrid extra-marital affair with a Vietnamese hooker named Bambi Nguyen who charges $5 for suckee suckee.

So, it all works out: we humans eat meat, die soon, and don’t detonate that WMD some maniac may or may not have stored somewhere, and the planet lives to see another day.

Do your part, fellow hoo-man: EAT MEAT! 🙂

Drop your kids on their heads; make ’em dumb; save thousands!

With the rising costs of higher education, parents nowadays seem to have a genuine concern regarding their ability to get their kids through college. Well, fret not, trusted reader, for I come to you with a solution (which should be evident from this post’s title, but in case you are marginally retarded, I shall now state it as though it were a big revelation): drop your kids on their head when they’re babies!

If you are lucky, brain damage will ensue and your kid will not be smart enough to even get into college (if you do it right, not even DeVry, regardless of how serious they are about success). However, a tender balance must be struck, for you do not want your kid to be so brain-damaged you have to feed him or put him in special education (thus completely missing the whole point).

It’s all about surfaces; if you drop them on cement, that’s probaby too much brain damage; on a bed, too little. Now, a berber carpet (as per my repeated experiments with as many children as I’ve been able to obtain from around the neighborhood) seems to yield the best results (let’s just say that not all my experimentation proved successful, and that some of my neighbors’ kids will be wearing padded helmets and riding the short yellow bus: my bad!).

The other trick is doing this during early infancy so that your kids won’t remember it when they grow up: no one wants to have their son remember in a therapy session how Daddy pushed him off a stool onto the floor! So, in summary: surface and timing are the most important things to remember.

Good luck!!!

————-

Disclaimer: Rafa is kidding; he has not dropped any kids on their heads in the course of a makeshift, Mengelian experiment, or at least not after his court injunction. Dropping your kids on their heads is a bad idea, which you’d know unless you yourself had been dropped as a baby, in which case you should have been chemically castrated during early childhood, or at least you should have been raised as an engineer so that no one would have sex with you and you wouldn’t reproduce.

Possibly the crappiest theme song ever: “Cleopatra 2525”!

Oh my God… You have not heard a crappy theme song until you’ve heard the one for “Cleopatra 2525,” which I link here for your listening pleasure. I cannot do it justice, so please listen to it yourself before proceeding. Go on: I’ll wait.

Welcome back. 🙂 Ok, these are the lyrics of the song, as I hear them, transcribed as phonetically as I can (feel free to follow along!):

[Narratrix]
Five hundred years into the future
She will enter a world where machines rule the Earth
Mankind has been driven underground
And Cleopatra is about to discover
There’s no place like home

[Songstress]
In the yeeh, twenny-figh twenny-figh
There women with the will to soobigh
Fighting fo’ a brand new day
Nothin’ gonna get in they way

In the yeeh, twenny-figh twenny-figh
Three women kee’ hope aligh
Joinin’ forces to reclaim the Earr-ah
Lookin’ ahead-ah to humankind’s rebirr

It’s as though the theme song is sung by Buckwheat’s lounge singer sister.

In case you’re unfamiliar with the show, here is its premise according to IMDB:

An exotic dancer, cryogenically frozen in the year 2001, is accidentaly thawed out in 2525 by two female warriors who are fighting against evil robots which have taken over the world. The three join forces and try to escape the underground caverns to which humanity has been banished, meeting up with all sorts of strange creatures along the way.

And no, I only wish I were making that up… if I could make up shit that good, apparently I’d have a job as a TV writer!

Anyhoo, I figure this would be a nice topic: can you come up with other shows with really crappy/cheesy theme songs, and/or crappy/cheesy plots? Let’s hear ’em, folks! 🙂

Did you know God has a sense of humor?

We oftentimes hear how some jokes are “offensive to God” or how they are “heresy”: even really, really funny ones! We also find that fanatically religious people (from all religions, actually) are without a sense of humor, and it seems everything is potentially offensive to them and their faith.

Why is this? Is it that they don’t know that God has a great sense of humor? I have two points that will prove this beyond a shadow of a doubt:

Exhibit A: He created the platypus

Come ON! The only reason the platypus was created was because God knew humans would start getting all uppity and try to classify everything and pretend they knew how everything should be ordered, and God said: “Oh, really…? Classify this, mo’ fo’s!” And thus He gave us the platypus.

Exhibit B: He put our balls on the outside

I myself think this is proof enough. He could have made sperm more resistant to heat; He could have made the body cooler in a special region specially for the sperm-producing organs, but nooooo… He decided it would be more fun (for Him, not for us) to give us those danglers, and to make it even more fun, why not make them really, really sensitive to pain? And, wait, why not also make it physically impossible for little kids to swing anything in a man’s vicinity without hitting him straight in the balls? It’s just so… deliciously perfect!

So, next time you say a really funny albeit potentially offensive religious joke, rest assured that God is laughing along with you (especially since He knows the next time you’re gonna get a good whack in the ‘nards).

PS. If thou knoweth really funny and really wrong religious jokes, be not shy, my son, and share thy bounty! 😉